The Woodsman, the Rogue and the Princess

Once upon a time there lived a rustic woodsman named Yorick. Rotund and good-natured, not to mention a veritable chatterbox, Yorick make his living by cutting wood in The Enchanted Forest and bartering it for goods in the nearby villages. Known as a jolly good soul, Yorick always had an open hand to help his fellow man. One of Yorick's friends was a young scoundrel known far and wide as the Grey Baron. This notorious young fellow robbed the rich in order to give to the poor.

One fine summer day in The Enchanted Forest, the Grey Baron aka Loren Grey journeyed on his seasonal trip to deliver alms to the portly benefactor. Woe and alas, he was hailed, "Friend Loren!" not by the large rotund sight which had always beforehand greated his eyes but by a dappled round fawn lying stricken on the ground. An arrow protruded from Yorick's haunch. Aghast, Loren quickly took Yorick to visit Princess Ellis (who was not only the most beautiful and sweetest princess in all the land, but also one fine veterinarian).

The two companions hied forth to Rimeview and under his guise of Monk Julius, Loren delivered Yorick safely into Princess Ellis' care. Given expert care in the Royal Herb Garden, Yorick was soon recovering under the apple trees with bunnies snuggled into his side when he saw with his very own eyes a veritable tragedy occur. The jealous, vindictive and destined-to-be-sacrificed Princess Henrietta cast a mighty curse (in the form of a gaudy golden necklace) upon her eldest royal sibling, Princess Allis. Known for her wisdom, Princess Allis was horrified as she was bowed beneath the might of the curse and struck dumb like a reptile. Seeing such foul play, Yorick did rush to the Grey Baron and cry out for Princess Allis' deliverance, but it was not to be. Through miscommunication and mass confusion, all three were caught by the palace guards. Yet, with swift and eloquent tongue, the Grey Baron managed to convince King Wenceslas to spare his life and that of his companion fawn. Thus, both of our heroes were invited to dinner rather than a visit to the dungeons.

After dinner and merriment, Princess Henrietta was taken off to be tortured until she confessed. Both the Crimson Witch (supposed creator of the wicked charm) and the Royal Magician Theron were summoned but neither deigned to appear at that time. Our heroes yet again attempted to flee with Princess Allis and seek out the Royal Magician Theron at his roaming castle on The Desolate Moors. After several attempts, they successfully breeched the wall with the Princess in tow. Travelling on cart and on foot to escape the pursuing soldiers, the threesome were forced to backtrack into Rimeview where they found shelter with the Good Friar Tuck. To their surprise, the Good Friar spoke of the Royal Magician Theron having a small office in town with hours of business starting from ten in the morning.

It was decided that the Princess needed to be disguised in order to travel through town during the day. A monk's robe could not possibly fit over her voluminous gown, so Loren volunteered to remove the dress, as no ladies maid was available. With decorum, he blindfolded himself and attempted to find the correct buttons, stays, and ties to undo. Shrieks, screams, and slaps followed until the dress was removed and the Princess could don a brown robe. Thus, our heroes rested from their long night of activity, except for Yorick, who had been volunteered by Loren to stand guard and wake the others when it was ten o'clock.

Alas, due to the lateness of the hour (almost six in the morning) combined with the running about throughout the night, Yorick's fawnish head lowered until it met his chest and he slept. Sometime after the noon hour, Yorick awoke feeling refreshed, invigorated, and sheepish for having fallen asleep. Apologetically, he went to wake up Loren and the Princess, by banging on their doors with his head.

While the two fellows awaited the emergence of the Princess Allis from her chamber, Loren sent Yorick to find the Good Friar Tuck or any monk. In this, Yorick was unsuccessful, returning only with a snippet of parchment containing directions to the Royal Magician Theron's abode in town. When the Princess finally came forth, beautifully primped in her brown monk's sack and assorted underware, she was distressed for reasons unfathomable to the two men. Thus, Loren sent Yorick on a spurious quest for sweets, for reasons unfathomable to anyone else. Yorick quested mightily, but, in the end, found only raw yams in the abbey larder. His small cloven hooves were unable to carry the bowl of yams kindly arragned for him by a monk (conveniently found outside the abbey walls in the kitchen garden). Also, perhaps, Yorick found it indelicate to bring a raw yam to the Princess in his mouth, for how could one of royal stature eat a yam covered with fawn slobber. So, alas, poor Yorick abandoned his quest for sweets and returned to Loren and Princess Allis.

The three companions set forth from the abbey, following the instructions on the parchment. Winding to and fro on the streets of Rimeview, they soon came to a rather ordinary door just two doors up from a sweet shop. Loren rapped loudly on the door. With a creak, the door opened to reveal an ancient lady dressed in a rather short beige dress, stained smock, and baggy knee socks. After much hollering, the trio discovered that Theron was up at the castle visiting the king. They decided to await his return, begging the old lady to let them pass the time with her.

Following the old crone inside, a curious sight greeted their eyes. The interior of the abode was quite differently shaped from the plain rectangular rowhouse portrayed outside. The door from which they had entered was particularly strange. Above the door stood a small knob which could be turned to one of four positions. The knob was currently turned so that the bottom-most color was red, but the old crone moved it to blue after closing the door. At odds with the street, the room turned at an oblique angle to display another door, a set of stairs going up, and a small room. the room had a kitchen area, a fireplace lit with a blue flame dancing on some coals, not wood, and a table, currently laden with goodies for lunch. Grumpily, the old crone invited the trio to sit down for lunch with her and the young male apprentice (who said little and was not nor would not be of any great importance). Lunch progressed and upon its conclusion, the old crone, whose name turned out to be Sophie Hatter, pressed the trio into service washing dishes while she and the apprentice mixed together packets of powders (smelling of thyme, rosemary, sage) for the flood of customers appearing at the door, which was now turned back to red.

At the end of the afternoon, the flurry of activity ended and tea was served along with some lovely scones made by Sophie. Near the end of tea, the door flew open and in strode the Royal Magician Theron griping loudly about the unreasonableness of kings, the stupidity of certain princesses to leave the castle and, lastly, how no one had bothered to save any tea for him. It was made clear, after lengthy discussion, that Princess Allis was in the very same room with him and that she wished to have a cure for her dilemna. Theron examined the Princess at great length, earning a kick in the shins from Sophie for his efforts. He then declared that she must either kill the Crimson Witch or somehow convince the Crimson Witch to remove the curse since it was too powerful for him to overcome. Some more whacks to his shin from Sophie convinced him to look in his magic book of spells.

As a result, mumbled discussion between Sophie and Theron occurred over by the fireplace or, perhaps, discussion occurred with the fireplace. Taking some paper, Sophie cut out a crown which was dusted with powders by Theron and then toasted in the blue flame in the fireplace. The product of their labors was a tacky gold crown which was merrily placed on Princess Allis' head. To her joy, Princess Allis found that her wisdom had returned, though only as long as the crown sat on her head. Thus, Loren found it easy to settle any argument with Princess Allis by simply lifing the crown from her head, much to the Princess' frustration. Loren also took this chance to find a cure for Yorick's fawness.
The Royal Magician said airily, "An enchanted stream made him a fawn; an enchanted stream must make him human."
This the Princess quickly deciphered (while Loren was still looking confused) and asked, "Where is such a stream?"
The Royal Magician replied, "In the Land of Animals which lies beyond the setting of the sun at the edge of the sea."

Loren, Yorick, and Princess Allis now set off to find the Crimson Witch. Her abode was well known and not hard to find. They approached the gates fo the Crimson estate on foot and discovered that the red walls were unscalable and the gate had not any visible means of opening. After trying several methods of gaining the Crimson Witch's attention (perhaps due to Loren repeatedly calling for the Scarlet Witch) without any success, Princess Allis imitated a young page who had simply yelled loudly and stated his business concisely while the trio was attempting to figure out the intricacies of opening the gate. From nowhere, the voice of the Crimson Witch invited them inside as the gates rose, vanishing into the arch.

The grounds of the Crimson estate were predominantly red with lovely gardens and fountains. The castle was made of red brick, rich red mahogany and cherrywood. At the door, they were greeted by a butler who led them to sitting room where the beauteous Crimson Witch lay seated on a divan. Loren immediately was entranced by her beauty and unable to utter a single coherent word. Princess Allis and Yorick attempted to parlay with the Crimson Witch, but each offer they made was rejected out of hand. Money, the Crimson Witch did not need. Power, the Crimson Witch already had. Royal Magician Theron's head on a platter, the Crimson Witch had a smug smile and purred, "I already have that." She was completely uncalcitrant for having provided the charm to Princess Henrietta, saying, "My magic isn't evil. I haven't any control over how people choose to use it." Thus, it was that Yorick lost his great reservoir of patience and reached forward to bite the Crimson Witch's ankle. His herbivore molars never touched the dainty ankle. Instead, they were all instantly transported into a large field, where Yorick discovered that he was a man-sized pink bunny rabbit.

Yorick hopped over to one of the fieldworkers and asked the name of the local village. While the fieldworker looked at Yorick oddly, he did reply, "Wheatville." Princess Allis also recognized the mountain range to the south and with the name of the village was able to announce that they had been transported three days travel from Rimeview with much disgust. So, they set off north, a soft boing resounding with each of Yorick's hops. It quickly became apparent that Yorick was able to cover great distances with his hops, so his two companions climbed onto his pink, fuzzy back and together they bounced to Rimeview. In only eight hours, Yorick covered the three days journey (it would have been much quicker if the Princess had not fallen off quite so much). Loren and the Princess tumbled off, trying to recover from bunny motion sickness. Stealthily, the trio snuck through the sleeping town toward the palace.

Once at the palace, the guards quickly admitted them and led them to King Wenceslas, who was jubilant that his wayward daughter had returned. He seemed unable to understand that the crown was a temporary solution, perhaps since he had never been particularly bright. Loren removed the crown from Princess Allis in an attempt to clarify the problem, but the King simply tried to take the crown by force. Loren then tossed the crown to Yorick, causing the cry of, "Get the bunny!" to fill the room. Yorick was forced to fend off the palace guards with bunny fu until the King realized that his quest to wrest the crown from Yorick's paw was in vain. Finally, Queen Solana was called in to explain things to her poor befuddled husband and everyone could finally go to bed.

During the night, Yorick and Loren awoke from their slumber to see multi-colored light flashing across the sky. Yorick quickly scampered down the hall, discovering in the process that he had returned to his familiar portly fawn shape. Up into a tower, he frolicked and stood with his hooves on the railing to see a truly awe-inspiring sight. In the clouds, the roiling red shape of a serpent fought a multi-colored dragon. Lightning bolts and balls of fire flew across the heavens. To the north, the sea tossed and the shapes of merfolk could be seen crashing about in the waves. An eerie sound could be heard rising up from the sea. The two creatures in the sky fought back and forth, changing shapes and dodging through the clouds. Finally, the multi-colored creature fled into a bank of clouds and vanished. The red serpent screeched in frustration and then dived down toward the sea. Through the flashes of light, Yorick could see the mast of a tall ship bobbing between the arms, hair and tails of the creatures being tossed about in the waves. But, eventhough dawn was arriving, the light was insufficient for Yorick to see where the red serpent had gone. Meanwhile, Loren had dashed out onto the palace grounds, but the lightshow was over by the time he emerged from the ediface. After questioning some gardeners who were standing about murmuring, he sallied forth to the town docks. At the docks, he saw the aftermath of what looked like a great storm. Water, seaweed and fish lay scattered over the wooden boards. Spotting several fisherman, Loren questioned them and received a disjointed and contradictory story about a ship and various animals which were last seen running through the town. Following some wet paw prints, which changed shape and size from time to time, Loren proceeded to the western edge of town, where the wet splotches left the Northern Coastal Trade Road and vanished into the Desolate Moors. Marking the spot, Loren returned to the palace where he found Yorick in his room with a worried frown across his forehead and twiddling his hooves. After some consultation and discussion of the events, the two waited until a more decent hour of the morning then proceeded to find the Princess.

Once having found the Princess, they implored and cajoled her into using her authority to mount a expedition into the Desolate Moors. The trio set off and after almost a week of travel saw the trail of a large black smoke plume in the distance. Following the trail of the plume, they came upon a lopsided castle travelling across the Moors at a rapid clip. With much trial and error, the trio eventually found the opening to the castle and tumbled in, much exhausted. Once inside, they saw that the room was quite similar to Theron's office in Rimeview, though slightly more square and with a higher ceiling.

No one was currently present in the room except for the oddly shaped purple flame, but the broom closet door was open, to reveal an opening at its back. Travel through the broom closet brought the trio to Sophie who was puttering around in, of all things, a flower shop. Customers were travelling in and out with colorful blooms in their arms. Michael, the apprentice, was also helping Sophie. The trio left Sophie and Michael to their custom, returning through the broom closet. Once again in Theron's abode, they investigated the area, discovering the process that the colorful knob had three new colours and that the flame in the fireplace was, in fact, a demon. With great shrewdness and, perhaps ill-considered bravery, the Princess struck a deal with the demon, that he would remove the enchantment on her and the fawn if our heroes broke the contract binding the demon to Theron. Calcifer, the demon, provided little hints as to the nature of the his contract, though he was rather smug at tossing out unanswerable questions. The trio investigated the colorful and discovered that the yellow setting caused the door to open onto the Moors, the purple setting opened onto the street next to the flower shop, the black setting opened onto a void of some sort, and the orange setting opened onto a weedy drive in front of a severely dilapidated mansion. Trying to interrogate Sophie only succeeded in getting Loren and Yorick drafted into flower shop duty. However, while Yorick was sampling the daffodils (and mighty tasty ones they were), he questioned Michael and discovered that Sophie was enchanted as well. Also, of a puzzling nature, Sophie seemed to have a previously undefined magical ability.

I am sorry to report that this story is no longer in progress. While it had a life of its own, the plot is loosely based on Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones. If you wish to discover the conclusion to this adventure, then visit your local library. To my current knowledge, Howl's Moving Castle is no longer in print and cannot be purchased at a bookstore.