That is me, there to your left. I think I was five years old, or so. Always had an impudent streak that was captured very nicely by this poor minimum wage school photographer. "Smile, please kid. Please. We've got a lot of kids to go. Won't you just smile? Please? What do I have to do here?" "Fine. You want a smile, mister? Here's your smile." Me in kindergarten. I haven't changed that much. Well, see for yourself. My actual successes seem so insignificant in the face of my potential failures.

A Conversation With Modern Me Your name? [She speaks Stephanese, a mumbling language that pitches from high volume to low sporadically. Stephanese is broken by explosive "laughing" noises, clicks, hums, and periods of silence thought to be the Stephanese thinking stance] Stephanie. Well, Allis sometimes. Really not anymore, mind. Well. Stephanie Lyn, but also Allis. Whirl too, if you count that sort of thing. [she assumes a thinking pose] Mmmmhmmm. And where were you born? San Mateo, California. September 1, 1967. Great year. Not just because I was born that year, but just in general. I've lived a lot of places. We moved to Middle-of-Nowhere, Montana when I was 8, maybe 9. That's up by GlacierPark , in the northwestern corner. Beautiful country. Then, when I graduated from HS, I went to Oregon to get a degree in Biology at Southern OregonState. Again, beautiful country. After I graduated, I came to Chicago, where I am currently getting my second degree at University of Illinois at Chicago. Hated it here at first -- not a big city girl and Chicago is a rather big city. Love it now. What a great place. Can you say a little about yourself? Sure. A little more, you mean? [explosive laughter which stops abruptly]. Hmmmmmm. What to say, what to say. Hey, by the way, do you like the Bulls? My husband, Sean, got us tickets to a play-off game in 1998, the last year Michael Jordan played for the great Chicago Bulls machine. That was stellar. Man, he is the coolest guy in the land. Sean, not Jordan. Well, I am sure Jordan is cool, but I don't like him THAT way, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm a very lucky woman. Uh-huh. What do you do? I'm a student. I am a science buff, have a degree in Biology and just finished another in Archaeology. [extended thinking pose] I want to work in a museum some day as A Zooarcheologist (Jay has fondly coined me an Old-dead-birdologist. I'm gunning for him.) Not out with the people, mind you, but down in the bowels where the real magic happens. I'd be happy if I didn't work with another human the rest of my life. I'm a bit of a misanthrope. [There is a long pause in the interview as she takes calls from several friends, chatting animatedly -- and endlessly] Sorry, where was I. That was my friend John. We're going out bar hopping on Friday night to celebrate his MCSE. [She yawns and her tribal shift falls off her shoulder]. Whoops. Ok, so anyway. School. Yeah, it's great. I could be a student the rest of my life. I'll have to be, because the chances of me getting a job when I finally graduate are next to nil. My favorite author is Stephen King. I've always been a bit morbid. Death excites me, bwahahaha [she smiles hugely and then laughs for about 5 minutes at her own joke]. Just kidding. What was the question again? Let's move on. What is your family like? My family? Couldn't be better. I'm pretty danged lucky in that respect. Only child. Great, great Mom. She has asthma. I grew up with my two cousins, Stryder (who got married a couple of years ago to a wonderful woman named Nicole, so I have yet another cousin!) and Ani, in the woods. Who needed brothers and sisters, I had cousins! [she begins to sing the theme from The Patty Duke Show, "Cousins! Identical cousins...."]Hmmmm. My Aunt Cynthia and Uncle Dennis were like parents to me. Hey, wait a second. [She gets up and leaves for about 20 minutes]. Sorry, I finally remembered that thing I wanted to look up in my Catholic dictionary. Fallen angels, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. [Thinking that this had significance, I pursued this avenue of conversation for some time before realizing it was going nowhere. I have edited it out for brevity's sake.] Your family? Oh yeah. Ok. Who did I say. Oh, and then there is my Uncle Bryan, Aunt Maren and their boys. Corporal Chris, Admiral Adam and Private Tim [another explosive laughter]. Oh! Are all the men in your family in the military? Um. No. None of them are. Never have been. We're from peace-lovin' hippie stock. Oh. Um, my Uncle Joel and my cousin Meka and her husband and brand new baby. And then there is my husbands family [a whistle and a few clicks]. Huge. Just massive. Take all day to list them. I've memorized all of them of course. [She gets up and begins to alphabetize a stack of my books]. So, I think that is everyone. Oh, my mom's husband Ray and his two daughters. Nice guy. Well, and Equus and Elijah, our two boys. You have children? [She scrunches her face melodramatically] Hell no. They're cats, idiot. [She slaps me on the back companionably and her tone for the rest of the interview is slightly condescending]. They're great. Shelter cats, big boys. I'm pretty in to animal rights. Always have been. I'm not one of those 'pick-a-cause' liberals. I like to stick with a few for life. All the teams I like are that way too. Underdogs. But I stick with them. [She leaves again to take a call and comes back 20 minutes later, giggling] I have a lot of friends that I like to call children, does that count? No. I see [Although she seems to be getting bored with my inquiry, I press on] Hobbies? I like this and that. Movies. Big, big movie buff. Stephen King. I've been collecting Stephen King first edition hardbacks forever. I can't even imagine how differently I might've turned out without King's macabre influence. He's been part and parcel of my life since I was little. But, I am not an author or genre addict. I'll read pretty much anything. What are some of your favorite authors? Stephen King, as I said. Lots and lots of horror writers. Lovercraft, Poe, Masterson, Barker, Dan Simmons (who also writes SciFi), to name a very few. I like fantasy. McCaffery, Rawn, LeGuin. Science Fiction. Last year I read Huxley's "Brave New World" for the first time. can't believe I missed that one so long. Blew me away. Instantly made my top ten books of all time. I am reading the Mars trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson. Fantastic. I love non-fiction too. I go through phases with that; buy a bunch of books on a subject that has caught my interest and then move on to another one after about 4 books. Makes for an interesting library. Ok,ok. Let's move on. What other hobbies? Art. Animals. Crime, corruption, horror and weird stuff. [She guffaws] I used to MUSH, a game called Pern NC, but I ended up sort of getting obsessive/compulsive about it. Had to quit. Still play on TOO, well, sit in our room and talk with Jay, Kay, Sean and Sabrina when they are at work, Donna, Jenni and stuff. Recently, Sean and I started playing on a game called Northern Lights. We must have matured a lot in these years because it doesn't seem to be an obsession anymore -- just good, clean, creative-geek fun with our friends. We make up quite a tribe. Jay, Kay, Sean and I still play GURPS about every week. We have fun with that. I love television. I know that isn't very intellectual of me to say as I figure I have you pretty dang convinced by now that I'm an ubergenius, but it's the truth. I like TLC, Discovery and Animal Planet the best. There is a show called "Emergency Vet" on the Animal Planet that really gets me worked up. Hard to watch but a weekly emotional enema, if you go in for that kind of thing. I also LOVE the X-Files, ER, NYPD Blue, Case Studies in Forensic Science, Star Trek, any true-crime or old Hollywood biography sorts of shows. [she asides here to show a humorous X-files script she and her friends have been writing jointly.] Oh, and video games. I love the adventure games where you have to explore and solve puzzles. My favorite game lately has been Thief: The Dark Project. Anything else? Sports. I'm pretty into sports. NBA basketball is still my favorite, but I like college football and am getting into Major League Baseball. Oh, and Jai-Alai. [She looks at me expectantly and, after a impassive stare-down, seems disappointed in me again]. Just kidding. I do like to track Ebola, though. [The interview ends here, but I will note that I've cut the rather lengthy diatribe concerning her theories of over-population and decimating diseases in island bound rabbits.] [Note: At some point, the subject was given IQ and personality tests to better understand her. Perhaps others, in the future, can make something out of the mass of data. as this researcher has thrown in the proverbial towel.]