Pulp Fiction meets Murder She Wrote I was reading the paper this morning and I found a story that needed to be passed on. One begins to wonder whether the folks at the Sun-Times are just making this shit up because it's a slow news day. ****************************************************************************** Headline: "Woman Admits Role in Viola Murder Plot" Cast: Quinntella Benson (34): Wife of Boisie Watson and mother of his unborn child. Co-conspirator in the great Viola heist. Boisie Watson: Maxwell Street junk dealer with a doctorate in Psychology. Husband of Quinntella Benson and father to her unborn child. Intended victim of Heiss and Benson's nefarious plan. Robert Heiss (73): A bitter old man who neither loves cookies nor violas. Co-conspirator in the great Viola heist and the great cookie mogul murder. Godfrey Bey: Would-be cookie king. ****************************************************************************** A woman connected to the disappearance of an 18th century viola owned by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra admitted Tuesday that she conspired to hire a would-be assassin [geez, you can still hire an assassin these days? I thought those went out with dark little taverns in medieval times] to murder her boyfriend. Quinntella Benson, 34, who is NOW pregnant and married to the man she wanted dead last summer [*sigh* Ahhhhh love. What a tempestuous master], will testify against her co-defendant [is there no code of honor amoung assassins and thieves anymore?], 73-year-old Robert Heiss, as part of her plea deal with prosecutors. The viola played a central role in the pair's bizarre drama [don't they always? I've always thought violas were the most dangerous and mysterious musical instrument], which included a plan to murder Benson's boyfriend along with a former Heiss associate embroiled in a battle for a cookie business [?]. Heiss and Benson also wanted to torch buildings for profit, Benson admitted Tuesday [Ok, seriously. These two just went Mad with Evil Power, didn't they]. The drama began in 1998 [follow me, here. This gets complicated] while Benson was doing odd jobs for Heiss [?], of the 5300 block of West North Avenue [ahhh, that explains everything]. Prosecutors said Heiss was in financial turmoil and Benson was involved in an abusive relationship with live-in boyfriend Boisie Watson, a Maxwell Street junk dealer with a doctorate in psychology [This proves two of my theories about psych students: 1. They become therapists because they /need/ therapy. 2. They probably will never work in the field of psychology, no matter what lofty certificate or degree they manage to get.] Watson had bought a viola on Maxwell Street for $90.00 [a good price for a viola on any street, really]. He later discovered it dated to 1723 and had been lost by a CSO musician in 1996 [what?? You left your viola on the school bus again?? Ok, mister. You're grounded. This is the third viola you've just left lying around. I'm not made of money, ya know. Violas don't grow on TREES! I'm sorry. Your father and I are buying you an accordion, now go to your room]. Press reports pegged its value close to $1 million, though its true value was about $175,000 [So, people, let this be a lesson to you -- the next time you read the Dow Jones averages in the paper? Let's all read it with a grain of salt? These newspaper types apparently have no head for money]. Watson kept the viola under the bed he shared with Benson and called it a "nest egg" [at least he didn't call it a large, multi-stringed vibrator] according to court testimony. Benson and Heiss decided to steal the viola, explain the theft as a burglary and secretly sell the viola on their own, Benson said Tuesday. Heiss was arrested after taking the viola to a dealer [unfortunately a Maxwell Street junk dealer named Mr. Watson. Heeeeey, this viola looks familiar. It looks just like /my/ little nest egg]. He claimed he had found it on the street [*bwahahaha* Ok, this just cracks me right the fuck up. True, Heiss hasn't proven himself to be a real brain surgeon previously, but seriously. You know? Expensive, rare and extremely bulky musical instruments can be found if one keeps one's eye on the gutter while walking down the streets of Chicago.] Press reports about Heiss allegedly enraged Watson, who was suspicious of the man's relationship with Benson [and the sudden disappearance of his little nest egg under the bed. You don't think that's /my/ stolen viola? Quinntella! Get in the bedroom right the FUCK now! You've got some explaining to do, you viola-stealin', lyin', cheatin' little hussy.] Heiss and Benson then believed the answer to their problems [besides medication and extensive therapy, presumably] was to hire a hit man [ding!], prosecutors allege. Unbeknownst to the pair, the chosen hit man was an undercover FBI agent [something tells me this pair wouldn't notice if they were trying to hire the president of the United States]. Benson admitted Tuesday that she discussed Watson's murder with the would-be killer. Heiss also said he wanted Godfrey Bey, his partner in a cookie business, "as dead as disco," [cue Pulp Fiction music. Is this guy a hip 73-year-old, or what?] prosecutors charge [misdemeanor unlawful use of a really stupid saying in the attempt to be cool]. Benson is set to testify against Heiss, whose trial is scheduled for Sept. 13 [man, why don't I get called in for jury duty on this one?? We should all skip work and go sit in, don't you think? The modern justice system needs a good hecklin' peanut gallery, I think]. Benson is five months pregnant and now is married to Watson, she said in court Tuesday. Prosecutors will recommend five years in prison when she's sentenced Dec. 8, said Assistant U.S. Attorney Matthew R. Bettenhausen.