Friday, June 18, 1999
Chicago, IL

1. INTERIOR AUTO – MOVING

Traffic is unusually heavy for the midday hours, it seems bumper to bumper from the time the couple first arrives across the state line into Illinois.

MULDER

Well, I remember why I liked living in Chicago. I never had to drive anywhere. [He turns to SCULLY] How are holding up? It's been a while since we stopped.

SCULLY

Mulder, we just stopped 45 minutes ago at that gas station so you could relieve yourself.

MULDER

Well, Scully, if you would have been paying attention to what was going on, you would have realized that I went into the station to fill up on supplies.

MULDER pulls a bag of sunflower seeds out of his shirt pocket and shakes it back and forth.

SCULLY

Supplies? You're now referring to them as Supplies?

MULDER

Hey, don't be mad at me. It's not my fault that you can't enjoy the finer things in life.

SCULLY

I'm not mad at the fact that I don't enjoy picking sunflower seed shells out of my teeth, as you have developed into an art form. It's just that I'm sick of being stuck in this car with you while you do it.

MULDER

[grinning and speaking in a mock-hick voice] Aw shucks, Dana, yer just sweet on me, aren't ya!"

SCULLY

[sighing] Knock it off, Mulder.

SCULLY reaches down and turns on the radio, scanning for something with half a listenable quality to it. Half-teasingly, she turns to MULDER.

SCULLY

What is up with this? I can't find a single station that isn't less annoying than this conversation with you.

MULDER

Yeah, that's one thing I don't miss about Chicago, the Shittiest radio stations in the country

SCULLY

[puzzled] That just doesn't make any sense. One would think that with the Demographics as one of the largest cities in the nation, you would have some decent radio.

MULDER

[chuckling] Just goes to show you how well demographics work.

SCULLY continues to hit the seek button on the radio until she finally admits defeat and turns the radio off.

SCULLY

It still just doesn't make any sense.

MULDER

[looking over at her, he grins] Yeah, it's almost an X-File, huh?

SCULLY

[impatiently, she rants] Please don't tell me that the reason we've detoured ourselves into Chicago is so we can find out that there's some supernatural powers at work control the airwaves, insuring that radio listeners are in the right place at the right time to be abducted by unmarked helicopters in a plan to secretly clone the population in order to save the species.

MULDER

[laughing] Nothing half that cool, but it's got some potential, if you think about it.

SCULLY

Oh god, how much longer is this car ride going to last?

Traffic finally starts to move. MULDER maneuvers through the Eisenhower with the greatest of ease.

MULDER

Ah, Chicago drivers, what nice people. Don't worry Scully, we'll be reaching our destination shortly.

SCULLY

Speaking of which, do you plan on telling me just what we are doing here in Chicago? We are due back to give our report to Skinner

MULDER, checking his rear view mirror to ensure a safe lane change, pulls the car into the left lane and accelerates.

MULDER

Well, we better hurry!

SCULLY braces her hand against the dashboard for fear.

SCULLY

Mulder! Quit fucking around, you know I can't stand your driving. It's amazing we haven't been killed yet!

He resumes a safe speed, while beginning to explain to Scully

MULDER

Well, first of all, relax. We aren't due back to Quantico for another four days. Which gives us plenty of time to investigate some strange findings I've recently discovered.

SCULLY

I'm listening, I don't know why, but I am.

MULDER

As of late, there have been an odd number of freakish events occurring in Chicago, and the surrounding areas. Unusual car accidents, an increase in shootings, roads collapsing. Even animal mutilations being reported in the business districts.

SCULLY

[rationally] Mulder, none of those things sound all that freakish. Chicago is a huge metropolis, there's bound to be seemingly odd goings on.

MULDER

Ah, that's what I said at first. You see, a former colleague of mine, who made me aware to these events, contacted me. I told her the same thing. Until she let me in on something that she had uncovered.

SCULLY

Oh I can't wait to hear this. Before you go on, who exactly is this Colleague that you are referring to?

MULDER

That's not important

SCULLY

Let me guess, it's that Bambi isn't it?

MULDER

[slightly defensive] That's DOCTOR Bambi, and no it's not her.

SCULLY

[sighing, relieved] Thank God!

MULDER

[half joking] Bambi won't return my calls.

MULDER pauses, putting a sunflower seed in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully.

MULDER

Anyway, after I explained to my friend that there was nothing unusual about the events that she described. She told me that the events weren't really what was odd, but the locations where the events were taking place.

MULDER takes an exit towards Chicago's Loop district. They are driving through the downtown.

MULDER

We'll have to park the car here and walk. I'm not about to deal with this traffic.

MULDER pulls the Government vehicle into a parking garage and parks.

MULDER

My friend only works a couple of blocks from here. We can walk there as I explain.

SCULLY exits the car.

2. STREET SCENE – JACKSON & FEDERAL, CHICAGO

SCULLY

Fine with me. I'm sick of being in this car. The air will do me some good.

MULDER shuts the door and sets the alarm on the car.

MULDER

This way.

MULDER leads SCULLY down the street.

3. STREET SCENE – CLARK & LaSALLE, CHICAGO

SCULLY

So just what is it about the locations of these events that is so strange? Did your friend elaborate more on them?

MULDER

She sure did. She discovered that all of these events locations share a common epicenter. Her workplace.

SCULLY

[stopping] Mulder, who cares? You can find strange things in geographic locations in ANY event.

MULDER

Have you no faith in me, Dana? Of course I know that, and my friend knows that. But she also told me that there have been extremely odd things going on at her workplace as of late. Particularly there's this group of odd people that have been showing up on a regular basis, displaying quite peculiar habits. Often speaking in tongues, and talking about sacrifices they've made. She didn't go into too much detail but I feel that I owe it to her to check into it more. Plus it gives me some time to show you around Chicago. Be a sport.

SCULLY

[mildly disgusted] Whatever, fine. So where is your friend's office anyway?

MULDER stops in front of a dive bar underneath the EL TRACKS.

MULDER

Well, that's the good news. We're right here

SCULLY stops, and steps back so she could see the name of the establishment. She sighs yet again.

SCULLY

Mulder, what are you getting me involved in?

MULDER

[teasing] C'mon Dana, there's nothing here to be afraid of

SCULLY

Mulder, you have taken me to some pretty scary places before, I'm not about to be afraid of this place. What the hell kind of a name is 'The Skyride Tap' anyway?

MULDER

Hey, this is a classic place, show some manners.

4. SKYRIDE TAP -- INTERIOR

MULDER opens the door for her and she walks through into the dark bar. It IS a dive. Typical dive. There are a few people there, mostly older men. A buxom woman tends the bar. She looks about 25 years of age with teased and dyed blond hair and lots of make-up. Her size 3 t-shirt feebily tries to stretch over her size 7 breasts, only half-succeeding. She is a pretty girl, nonetheless, and certainly friendly.

SCULLY

[sarcastically]Oh yes, this is classic

MULDER follows SCULLY in. He is smiling like a kid as all the fond memories came back to him. He is looking around the entryway when his old colleague, the buxom barmistress, recognizes him.

BOBBI shouts happily as she runs towards MULDER. She almost runs SCULLY over.

BOBBI

FOX MULDER! I can't believe you are here!

BOBBI throws her arms around MULDER and gives him a big kiss on the cheek.]

BOBBI

It's been too long.

MULDER

Yes it has. [He motions to SCULLY] Hey, I want to introduce you to my partner, Dana Scully. Dana, this is Bobbi. Bobbi this is Dana.

BOBBI shakes SCULLY's hand and smiling genuinely.

BOBBI

Nice to meet you!

SCULLY

[smiling tightly] Likewise.

BOBBI

Well, you two grab a couple of stools and I'll fix you a couple of drinks so we can catch up on things.

BOBBI walks the length of the bar as MULDER and SCULLY sit down.

SCULLY

[dripping sarcasm] Bobbi? Her name is Bobbi?

MULDER

Be nice Dana. She's a really terrific woman, I'm sure you two will hit it off.

SCULLY

5. STREET SCENE – WACKER & WASHINGTON, CHICAGO

Scene cuts to an aerial view of the intersection of Wacker and Washington at the start of rush hour -- title bar at the bottom reads: Wednesday, 4pm, Corner of Wacker and Washington in Chicago. Slow pan as the shot tightens down, following a stunning brunette in a nice gray business suit/dress suit as she crosses Wacker, going west. She wears expensive sunglasses, carries an expensive briefcase. Her white running shoes stand out in stark contrast to her mostly gray and black ensemble as she speed-walks towards some destination, probably a communter train bound for home. We see a sign: 'Chicago's Lyric Opera presents: Figaro' as she reaches the corner and walks between the columns of the Lyric Opera building, heading south. It is very crowded. A group of workmen line the wall to her right, sitting on the sidewalk and smoking. They make "appreciative" comments but the woman doesn't turn. She's staying on target. A man selling "Streetwise" intercepts her and she blows past him. No expression. A group of young men stand to the left. They are all smoking and seem extremely agitated. They watch her pass and she actually smiles at them. They are expressionless. Most, but not all of them, are wearing black, and all but one are in t-shirts [probably with some humorous computer-insider joke on it] and jeans. They don't look anything like the suits passing by but it is obvious they work in this building and are on a smoke break.

YOUNG MAN 1 smiles at the passing brunette, a quick gesture before focussing his attention back on his two nearest companions. He has a slight, but pleasant, southern accent.

YOUNG MAN 1

I don't know. I just don't know if we should keep doing this. I mean, seriously.

YOUNG MAN 1 takes his cap off and runs his hand through his hair before replacing it on his head

YOUNG MAN 1

Man, have you actually really thought of what we are getting into here? This is fucking insane. We're going to get caught.

YOUNG MAN 2

[a bit combatively] Yeah, ok, Matt. [Downright sarcastic] Officer. Arrest these people. They are part of a secret society working out of a number of downtown Chicago institutions. We don't know what they want, only that they have some sort of power. People they like are successful, people who cross them -- [he rolls his eyes dramatically]. Give me a fucking break. We're peons, Fulgrum. No one would buy it. There's no proof.

YOUNG MAN 3

[laughing] Peons. That's the truth.

MATT

Tom, it isn't about proof. It isn't so much about getting caught, even. Don't you think this is wrong? Doesn't something about this strike you as, I don't know... [He sighs] I just don't like how we are doing this. And tonight. I have got to tell you. I just don't agree at all with tonight. Not a bit. Mick?

MICK

[shrugging] Global Karma. What comes around, goes around.

TOM shrugs his shoulders and says in a cold and matter-of-fact manner.

TOM

Then don't go.

MATT adjusts his cap again, laughing nervously.

MATT

Yeah, ok. Right. Fuck you, man.

TOM

[laughs, though still coldly] Ok then. Quit wasting my time bitching about it.

MATT drops his half smoked cigarette and nods, looking down on it. His nervous smile dies and his face becomes sober, hard-to-read, as he grinds the butt into the sidewalk with slow, precise twists of his foot. TOM is already walking swiftly off, one hand up to plug one ear as he talks on his cell phone. MATT sighs again and leans up against one of the columns. MICK shrugs, tucks his hands in his pockets and shuffles off after TOM.

6. SKYRIDE TAP – INSIDE

MULDER is peeling sunflower seeds and popping them into his mouth like a machine. SCULLY is gone. The bar is mostly empty and one gets the idea that those who are here are regulars, both to the bar and to the bottle. BOBBI flirts with them all, the wad of ones growing in the back pocket of her tight Jordache jeans. SCULLY, having just returned from the bathroom, slides back into her seat while wiping her hands on a paper towel.

SCULLY

[very irritated] Mulder, it's been two hours. I don't know what kind of case you think we are going to get here, but I can only think of two we'll get for sure.

MULDER

Oh?

SCULLY

A case of cheap Wisconsin beer and/or a case of something you might get if you sit on the unsanitary toilet seats.

MULDER

[chuckling and shelling] Oh, is that where you get that. I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that, Dr. Scully.

SCULLY looks over at him, eyes narrowed. She looks like she's about to say something else snippy when the buxom BOBBI walks up.

BOBBI

Oh, Fox! It's so good to see you! We missed you around here but I missed you 'special. [She winks, sort of lascivious]. I am going to be taking a break in about ten minutes and then we'll talk about… [She looks around, suddenly becoming serious, something like a scared little girl] what I called you about. I'm so glad you're here, Fox.

SCULLY watches, her mouth dropping open slightly. Are those little girl alligator tears creating rivers in BOBBI-boom-booms makeup? You have got to be joking. She snorts, her irritation growing as MULDER reaches out to take BOBBI's hand, his face completely sympathetic.

MULDER

[In an Elvis imitation] Hey now, dry those tears, Lemondrop. Big Daddy is here to save the day.

MULDER reaches up, tenderly wiping the tear from BOBBI's cheek. He absently wipes the makeup off his hand on a bar napkin as SCULLY watches on, incredulous.

BOBBI is giggling. All her troubles are suddenly forgotten.

BOBBI

Fox, I love it when you do that voice! Ok. Let me just finish up and I'll take that break. They are going to be here soon and I need to tell you what I know. You're gonna love this, ya know?

MULDER nods his head and watches her go, a fond smile on his face. She is gone and he turns back to shelling his sunflower seeds, his face expressionless again as usual.

SCULLY

[one brow arched] Lemondrop? Big Daddy? Mulder, I would be amused if I wasn't so disturbed.

MULDER

[smiling slightly, still shelling. Elvis voice] What's the matter, Little Lady, you don't like the King?

SCULLY

No, as a matter of fact, I don't. Mulder, have you considered the possibility that Bobbi is stringing you along concerning a case just to get you up here? When was the last time you were here to visit?

MULDER

A few months ago. And, no, Scully. I don't know if you noticed, but Bobbi isn't what you would call mentally gifted. If she wanted me to visit, she would simply call and ask me to visit. She has neither the creativity to make up a story, largely due to her decreased capacity, nor the inborn female skill of manipulation. She a straight shooter, Scully. No games are played in the house of Bobbi.

SCULLY

Oh, I bet some are.

MULDER shrugs, no expression on his face as SCULLY turns to glare at her glass of water. BOBBI flounces up after a moments pause.

BOBBI

Ok, you two. Let's rendezvous back by the beer cooler. Wait.

BOBBI holds up a five, looking mischievously at MULDER.

BOBBI

Let me put something on the box.

BOBBI flounces off towards the jukebox.

SCULLY

[disgusted] Oh brother. Mulder…do I really have to be here for this?

MULDER

Come on, Scully. Move to the back table and get ready to rock and roll.

"Horse With No Name" plays and SCULLY follows MULDER to a back table. BOBBI joins them, lighting a cigarette and leaning in. She looks excited to tell her story.

BOBBI is talking low, leaning in. Her ample chest is resting on the tabletop.

BOBBI

Ok. It all started real early this last winter. We always slow up around here in the winter. Just the regulars, ya know? One night, we get a new group in. Younger crowd, for the most part. I thought they were traders, coming in for a couple of beers before heading up to River North. This kinda bar isn't their type of place, ya know? But they stayed around. Got pretty loud, but they were tipping good. They closed the bar down and we ended up having a pretty good night on the books, ya know? They left and they were real polite, said g'bye and learned all our names. We thought that'd be the last of 'em. They'd find a new place next week, whatever. But they came back. All winter, they came back. Wouldn't call 'em regulars 'cause they don't come in every night and they are kinda …

BOBBI pauses to think.

BOBBI

Well, they keep to themselves a bit. Don't talk to the other guys in here. Only really talk to us to order. But, that's ok with me. Anyway. So, after awhile we are starting to notice little changes. They would stop talkin' when our busboy would come over. Then we'd hear them talkin' in some strange language. I dunno. D…S…L, somethin' – I remember that word. Stuff like that.

SCULLY

Diesel?

BOBBI

[shrugs] Nope, but close. Anyway.

BOBBI turns back to MULDER, talking in his direction while ignoring SCULLY.

BOBBI

They'd get really mad and yell and stuff, like they weren't gettin' along so well anymore. Then we'd hear 'em talkin about sacrificin' stuff. Well, it didn't happen exactly like that. You ever hear of Bachelor's Grove, Fox?

MULDER nods but SCULLY plucks at his sleeve, looking at him questioningly. She's very irritated.

MULDER

[to SCULLY] Bachelor's Grove is a cemetery in the southern suburbs of Chicago. It has a long history of paranormal activity dating back to its creation in the mid-1800's by a group of single male settlers. It is, arguably, one of the most significant sites in the world for those interested in supernatural forces and negative energies. The site has been home to a number of strange deaths, murders, satanic cults and suicides over the past 150 years. It is widely considered to be the birthplace of some of our cultures more colorful "Urban Legends", probably all spawned, in part, by the number of macabre events, which seem to have an uncanny attraction to the spot. I'm surprised you've never read about it, Scully. It is a classic.

SCULLY

[sarcatstic] I think I have a book on my reading list about it, Mulder. Right behind "Forensic Serology and You".

MULDER

[shrugs SCULLY off and turns back to BOBBI] Go on, Bobbi.

BOBBI is wide-eyed, presumably as a result of MULDER's description of Bachelor's Grove. She shudders and reaches over for MULDER's hand. She grabs onto it and goes on, her voice quivering girlishly

BOBBI

I grew up out that way so I know all the stories. It isn't a place nice girls went. [SCULLY snorts audibly] It isn't a place nice PEOPLE went, ya know? And I hear this girl in their group mention it. The box was off and it was a quiet night so I couldn't help but overhear, even though they were bein' quiet about it. So, I had our busboy go over and sit at the table behind them, put his headphones on and smoke like he was takin' a break. [She leans in closer, whispering even softer] But I had him leave the music off so he could listen and they'd think he couldn't hear 'em. Just like you were talkin' about that one time, Fox, like you FBI guys do that thing where you trick people and stuff. You know?

SCULLY

[muttering very under her breath] Oh for Christ’s sake. I suppose he told her about Hoover too.

MULDER

What did he hear, Bobbi?

BOBBI

They mentioned Bachelor's Grove just a couple of times that night, and then talked about the other stuff. Did the toast. This was before the real big shit. Before they moved it out to Bachelor's Grove on Friday nights. Before it got really big. I think it's the place, sure. But it's not so much here, that isn't what it is about. This is like their… well...

BOBBI looks at MULDER.

MULDER

Staging area?

BOBBI

Yeah! Stagin' area! But that night, they were talkin' about their last 'plan' and how it was too small, I overheard that much. Then one of the guys, think his name is Tom -- he said they weren't thinking big enough, ya know?…

7. SKYRIDE TAP – INSIDE, EARLIER

The scene cuts backwards in time to the night of BOBBI’s story. There are nine people sitting around two bar tables pushed together. The top of the table is littered with beer bottles and glasses. 3 girls and 6 guys.All appear to be in their 20’s or 30s.

TOM

We aren't thinking big enough. This is small-time bullshit. If we can do what we did, we can do it bigger and better.

SEAN

What, take out the yellow duck and the trolley cars?

TOM

Haha, asshole. No, I'm serious. Big shit.

JOHN

Tom, jeez-us. We're keeping it small for a reason, ok? What the fuck, man? We don't even really know how this works yet. What if there are some, I don't know, some consequences to this or some side-effects.

SEAN

Yeah, getting someone fired is one thing. If you're saying we should do anything more than that, you're just plain wrong. I don't want anything to do with it.

TOM snorts, disgusted, and sits back. He folds his arms across his chest and puts his sunglasses on. There is a moment of uncomfortable silence.

STEPH

Ok, you guys. Let's not fight. That's not going to solve anything. We need to figure out what is going on, that's all. I don't think any of us want to do something really extreme [she grins] yet. We need to put our heads together and figure out just what is going on with this. Is it us? Is it this place? When does it work. When doesn't it work. Who needs to be around. We need to think it over. 'Cause I have a place I think we could try it out at. A place that just might be better than this.

JOHN

Bachelor's Grove?

MICK

Yeah, ok. I know where that is. Who's drivin'? I'll buy beer, chips and salsa.

STEPH smiles and shrugs a shoulder to answer both questions.

KARMA

I agree with Steph. You guys just need to chill the fuck out. Tom, we don't need to go bigger yet. John's right.

SEAN

[louder] Yet? What in the hell has gotten into you guys? What the fuck is this "yet" shit?

STEPH

[puts her hand on SEAN’s shoulder] Honey, lower your voice, ok? By yet, I mean we aren't discounting possibilities. That's all. Possibilities. Ok? I mean, who knows what we can do, you know? Maybe we can do some good. Maybe what we've already done is good in some ways. I mean, Seymour was a bad boss, ok? He's going to be ok, but he isn't going to be fucking with our friends anymore. It isn't like we've been doing this to people who don't deserve it.

RICH

And it isn't like we've killed anyone.

MICK

Yet

SEAN glares at Mick who smiles charmingly. Sean ends up chuckling, relaxing into his seat.

TOM

Yeah, small-time bullshit. What a fucking waste.

KARMA

Shut up, Tom. You don't get anything.

JOHN

Ok, what are we doing tonight? Who is it?

SEAN pulls a crumpled but neatly folded yellow piece of paper out of his shirt pocket. He unfolds it. It is a piece of ledger paper. He is frowning

.

SEAN

Um, looks like … [he squints] I can't make it out. Sh..irley. Anyone know a Shirley?

KARMA

[shocked] Shit. She's a secretary in my office. She was getting into everyone's email awhile ago. Remember I told you all about that? She spread shit all over about everyone. My Dad is thinking of firing her. No one wants her around anymore. What does it say?

SEAN

[shaking his head] Email is definitely there. Hon? Can you read it?

STEPH

[takes the paper, squinting] I don't know. Yeah, now it is clearing up. Yeah, that's the story. Here's what we need. Hang on, let me write it down. [She takes a little notebook out of her bag and starts to transcribe from the yellow paper while conversation goes on over her head].

KARMA

I'm pissed and everything, but I don't want anything to happen to her, ok? You guys? Nothing big.

RICH

Ok, you think of it and we'll follow your lead.

JOHN

Yeah, good idea. Um, something fitting but not too bad. I mean, everyone gets into everyone's emails. I've done it. We all have. [everyone looks dubious] Oh, fuck you. You've all done it. [Steph rips off one piece of paper and hands it to John who looks it over] But. [He grins] Unfortunately Miss Shirley did it to one of US. Big mistake.

STEPH hands papers out to each person during the rest of the conversation.

SABRINA

Do you think this will work with some of us gone? Beth isn't here. Neither is Steve. Should we wait for Steve? He'll be here in a half hour.

JOHN

Nah. I want to do this thing and get to some serious drinking. I've had a bitch of a fucking day.

MICK

Me too, but it's the story of my life.

SABRINA

Ok. [she stands] Anyone dry? This is my round.

KARMA

I'm ready. Light.

JOHN

Me too.

STEPH

Jack, neat. Tell Bobbi not to put it in a shot glass. That makes me feel dirty somehow.

MICK

Light, Sabrina.

RICH

I'm done. Light.

SEAN

Becks.

MATT

I'm good, Sabrina.

TOM

Me too. Hurry up, Steph.

[Steph nods her head and begins to copy faster. By the time the drinks come to the table, each person has a paper in front of them]

JOHN

[looks up at everyone and raises his beer in a toast] To Shirley. No, wait. Karma, this one is your toast.

KARMA nods. She holds up her beer and thinks a minute.

KARMA

To Shirley. May she understand the value of keeping her mouth shut. May she understand the value of discretion. May she understand the value of secrets.

EVERYONE holds a Beer up to toast. Clinking of glasses as everyone drinks one to Shirley and then puts the drinks down to pick up the pieces of paper. They read in unison

EVERYONE (TOGETHER)

To Shirley. Ex tu Shirley. Deum zu mita fionna las ciborum. Ex tu ciborum sit alum. Ex tu Shirley.

They all look at each other, eyes bright. The camera pans around to each face.

8. SHIRLEY’S HOUSE – INTERIOR

The camera pans around a typical suburban kitchen. The only light is a small fluorescent bulb over the stove. There is a television playing "Drew Carey" somewhere nearby. The forced-air is humming. The camera steady-cams across the kitchen and down the hall, into the living room. A man is sitting in shorts and a t-shirt in an easy-chair watching TV. He has a beer in one hand. He is overweight, shoving popcorn mindlessly into his mouth as he watches. Popcorn litters his ample chest. He burps and sighs, standing up. The camera follows as he makes his way across the living room and starts down a darkened hallway. At the end is a closed door with light coming out from under it. He stops, looking pissed.

MR. SHIRLEY bangs on the door with a meaty fist. His voice is slurred a bit.

MR. SHIRLEY

Gahdammmit Shirley, I gotta piss. Get the fuck out of that bath. Calgon has taken you away long enough. I'm gonna go out front and piss in your roses in a minute. Would you like that? Huh? Get the fuck out of there!

There is a soft crying noise and then gagging. Mr. Shirley looks concerned for all of one second and then just looks like he's about to blow]

MR. SHIRLEY

If your sick, go do it in the kitchen sink so I can get in there for one goddamned minute. I mean it.

From inside the bathroom, muffled. SHIRLEY’s voice sounds forced.

SHIRLEY

Go to hell you fat pig.

MR. SHIRLEY looks absolutely shocked for a considerable length of time. One gets the idea this woman just doesn't talk back to him like this and she certainly doesn't use foul language. He is really taken aback.

MR. SHIRLEY

[totally shocked] What? What the hell did you say?

SHIRLEY [from inside]

I said go to hell you big fat pig. You disgust me. I don't know why I married you. All those years ago. I was a pretty girl and popular too. If I had known how you were going to turn out, I would have put a pillow over your face when you were passed out on our honeymoon bed. I would have put a pillow over your face and saved myself the fucking misery of these last thirty years.

MR. SHIRLEY

[his voice is a hiss] You bitch! Talk to me like that. You think that little lock will hold you so you can get smart with me? Think your safe in there? I don't think so. I think I know someone who needs a little lesson in manners. A refresher course.

SHIRLEY [from inside]

Refresher course? I'll give you a refresher course, you sick bastard. I got a little refresher course myself, from your buddy Stu, about two nights ago. He came over and refreshed me on what it was like to be fucked by a real man instead of some tiny dick fat slob. He showed me what an hour felt like.

MR. SHIRLEY is in a cold rage now. Beside himself. His eyes are bulging and he is sweating

MR. SHIRLEY

You BITCH! I'm coming in there for you, Shirley. I'm coming in and we're going to have a little talk.

MR SHIRLEY stalks off down the hall, punching the wall twice as he goes. He puts two three-inch in diameter holes in the wall. This is a big, if fat, powerful sort of man.

The camera shot is inside the bathroom now. A woman with a towel wrapped around her head stands in front of a completely fogged bathroom mirror. The camera is behind her, looking at her back. Her shoulders are shaking convulsively. She reaches out with one hand, which is shaking so hard it is as if she is having a seizure. Slowly, she wipes a swath in the condensation of the mirror and we see her face in the reflection. It is a mask of horror. Her eyes are wide with fear and tears stream from them in a steady flow. One hand is clapped over her mouth and there is a bit of blood trickling down the side of her chin. Suddenly, her hand flies from her mouth and we see her tongue wagging back and forth unnaturally. The very tip, about a half inch at most, has been bitten off. SHIRLEY looks at her tongue as if it doesn't belong to her body at all, as if it is a slug that has crawled into her mouth. It is disgust mixed with complete and total terror. Her tongue stops moving and she begins to speak again as she watches her hand reach for the bathroom door lock. She watches as if she has no control at all over herself. She unlocks the door, opens it and steps into the hall.

SHIRLEY speaks in a high, teasing shout that completely is mismatched to her expression and demeanor of terror – she's used to being the subordinate, the victim, the 'yes honey, anything you want honey' sort of wife. Her body and face tell that story well. Her tongue tells a different one.

SHIRLEY

Yeah, let's talk Harry! Let's talk about Stu. Let's talk about your brother, Harry. He gave me a refresher course too, you sick fuck. In fact, I would let just about anyone give me a refresher course at this point. At this point, I'd rather stick a gun in my mouth and blow my brains all over the wall then let you ever touch me again. Thirty years of it. You disgust me.

Her eyes go very wide as she claps her hand, audibly, over her mouth again. Her eyes fill with tears. A shadow obscures half of her. Heavy breathing off camera. A big fat shadow.

SHIRLEY

[crying] Don't...Harry...I don't know why I am saying these things...Harry...I'm sorry, honey...Let's just forget about this and I'll go in and make you a chicken pot pie, ok? I'll put velveeta on it just like you like...Just...I'm sick, Harry...I didn't mean it...I didn't mean it...Harry?...[higher now, almost a scream. Fear is invading the teasing lilt] HAARRRY?

MR. SHIRLEY, off-camera, right in front of her, he cuts her scream short. His voice is close, low and menacing. There is the sound of the hammer of a gun being pulled back].

MR SHIRLEY

Blowing your brains all over the wall can be arranged, Shirl my girl. It can be arranged real fuckin' quick.

The camera pans to the wall, focussing on a framed Sears portrait. SHIRLEY, MR. SHIRLEY and two overweight kids in happier days. She still looks like a weak little bird and he is, indeed, one hell of a fat bastard – the all American Mid-western Family portrait. There is a gun shot and a thud.

9. THE SKYRIDE TAP – NOW

BOBBI takes a drag of her cigarette, small and dainty-like.

BOBBI

Shirley McCrachen. That's the name. I can't get it out of my head. Next day I was readin' the Thursday Sun-Times and I see this story on page two. Suburban cop kills wife. McCrachen. Shirley. I...

BOBBI starts to cry.

10. THE SKYRIDE TAP – SOMETIME LATER

MULDER and SCULLY sit at the end of the bar talking to MULDER’s ‘collegue’ BOBBI, the Buxom Bartender.

BOBBI

[Looking towards the door] Fox, they usually start showing up anytime now. I’ll point them out to you when they arrive. But I have got to get back to work.

MULDER

Sounds like a plan

BOBBI walks down to the other end of the bar, seeing to the other patrons’ needs.

MULDER

Well Scully, you have to admit the whole thing sounds pretty odd.

SCULLY

Over course it does. What sounds even more odd, is that you are buying into it. I have a really hard time believing that any cult would use a dive like this to perform their rituals.

MULDER

It’s a well know fact that cults often prefer to hide in the open. Take the RainBow Church group for example. In 1993 they started to recruit college students right on campus, and then hold their meetings in public areas such as cafeterias, and auditoriums. These meetings were always open to public. Anyone was welcome to join. It wasn’t until after they started persuading students to drop out of academia and go live in a commune that the group was investigated. But by then it was too late. In 1998, the group was infiltrated by the FBI’s special task unit dealing with cults. They found that half of the students that enrolled had gone missing. Until they found the mass graves.

SCULLY

That was a rare occasion, Mulder. Let’s just say that if Bobbi’s group of moonies here are indeed some kind of cult operation, there’s still no validity to the claim that they can make events occur by simply toasting to it and rambling some chant in foreign tongues.

Mulder

We’ll never know unless we stick around and see for ourselves.

MULDER is interrupted by BOBBI, who has made her way back to the spot at the bar where the two FBI agents are sitting.

BOBBI

[Whispering] They’re starting to show up, do you see the man and woman who just walked in?

MULDER and SCULLY turn clandestinely to face the door. They see a man and woman, probably in their mid twenties walk in, search for an appropriate sitting are at the tables against the wall, They seem in agreement, and they each take a table and turn them so that they join, making one big table. The man pulls his backpack off, and places it on a chair, the woman pulls her fashionable little backpack off, and reaches in it, takes out some cash and starts walking towards the bar

SCULLY

Well, they look normal enough.

BOBBI

[Still whispering] It’s probably going to be a big night for them, they usually only turn the tables together if they are expecting a big group of people. The woman’s name is Karma, she and I have talked on a couple different occasions, she seems like a really nice girl.

SCULLY

[Towards MULDER] Karma? Her name is Karma. [She rolls her eyes]

MULDER

[Ignoring SCULLY] Well, try and introduce us to her sometime tonight. Right now it looks like she might be waiting for you.

BOBBI

Gotcha.

BOBBI turns and walks over to where Karma is waiting patiently at the bar

BOBBI

Hey Karma! How’s it going?

KARMA

Great! How about you?

BOBBI

Fine, can’t complain. What can I get you two? Couple of Lites?

KARMA

You read my mind!

As BOBBI is retrieving the two bottles of beer from the cooler underneath the bar she makes some small talk

BOBBI

Is that guy over there your husband?

KARMA Turns and looks at her friend that she walked in with, then turns back to BOBBI, laughing.

KARMA

Who, him?

KARMA points to JOHN. BOBBI nods, smiling.

KARMA

Oh no! That’s John. We’re just really good friends

BOBBI

[Handing KARMA the beers] Oh, it’s just that I noticed your wedding ring the last time you were here, and a couple of the guys at the bar were wondering if that was your husband. That’ll be $3.50

KARMA

[Hands BOBBI a bill] Here’s a five keep the change. Don’t worry about it. If I had a dime for every person that thought John and I were seeing each other, I’d be a very rich woman.

KARMA then takes the two beers over to the table, she hands one to JOHN. She obviously tells him the story, and they both have a good laugh.

As time goes by, more and more people start occupying the table that KARMA and JOHN have set up. Most of the people appear to be in their mid twenties, to early thirties. MULDER takes this opportunity to go over to the juke box, which is next to the groups’ table, and starts examining the selection, while trying to keeps his ears on the conversation at the table.  He hears much techno-speak and geek babble.   After a few minutes, he returns back to his spot at the bar, next to SCULLY.

MULDER

[To SCULLY]  Well, it seems that they are definitely all members of cult geek.  [He takes a sip of his beer]  I think I might have a way to get in to thier group.

SCULLY

I can't believe that you are still falling for this Mulder.  Have you honestly taken the time to think about wha you are saying?

MULDER

O.K. Fine.  Let's say that I am just looking for an excuse to hit the Chicago area, maybe I'm sowing some wild oats with Bobbi.  Maybe... maybe... [He wanders off]

SCULLY

Maybe what, Mulder?

MULDER

Maybe they really do have something to do with all the strange going ons around here.

SCULLY

That's it [She grabs her coat and handbag]  If you want to sit here and play psychic dectective with your little friend Bobbi, that's fine with me.  I won't have anything to do with it.  I am going to grab a cab to O'Hare and catch the next flight back to Quantico.  I'll explain what's going on here to Skinner, I'm sure he will understand.

MULDER

Scully, come on.  I know I sort of shanghaied you into coming here, but you have to admit that there is some validity to the claims.

SCULLY

I don't have to admit anything, Mulder.  I'll call you tommorrow.  Enjoy your vacation.

SCULLY collects herself as well as she can considering the circumstances.   She then proceeds to the front door.  As she nears, she notices that BOBBI is motioning her to come close.  Reluctantly, SCULLY approaches BOBBI

BOBBI

Where are you going to?

SCULLY

Oh, I just remembered that I have an important appointment back at the office in the morning tommorrow.  I need to get to O'Hare.

BOBBI

Ahh, I see.  Going to do some undercover work, and you can't let anyone in on it eh?  I understand.  [She winks at SCULLY]

SCULLY

[Sarcastically]  Wow.  Am I that transperant?  

BOBBI

Nope, I just have an eye for these kind of things.

SCULLY

Yes, I see that.  Well, it was nice meeting you.   I'm sure I'll hear more about this all soon.

BOBBI

Bye bye.

SCULLY goes to leave the bar, as she is about to exit, a younger man dressed in a t-shirt, blue jeans and a back pack almost knocks her down as he enters.   She drops her bag as a result of the run in.

MAN

I am so sorry ma’am.  Here let me help you. 

The MAN bends down to pick up the woman's bag.  Unfortunately, she has instinctively done the same.  The result is a sitcom-ish clonking of skulls.

SCULLY

OW!

MAN

Oh Jeezus.  Uh.  Maybe I should just crawl under a table and hope you forget you ever saw me.

SCULLY

No, don't worry about it. . It's not your fault.

SCULLY is obviously intrigued by the young man

11. INTERIOR MOVIE THEATER – DARKENED

The all-too familiar chords of John Williams sweeping score fill a small movie theatre. STAR WARS: THE RETURN OF THE JEDI is playing. The sounds of the climactic lightsaber duel drown out all noise. Three men are sitting, apparently alone, in the small space. PAN OUT from a tight shot of a hand pulling out popcorn from an immense bucket. The hand slowly moves across a white button-down shirt, its treasure neatly captured, and into BYERS’ mouth. BYERS is flanked by FROHIKE, and LANGLY on either side.

 

LUKE [voiceover]

You couldn't bring yourself to kill me before, and I don't believe you'll destroy me now.

VADER [voiceover]

You underestimate the power of the dark side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny.

BYERS eats the popcorn, eyes riveted on the screen in front of him.

CUT TO: ON SCREEN Vader throws the laser sword and it cuts through the supports holding the catwalk, then returns to Vader's hand. Luke tumbles to the ground in a shower of sparks and rolls out of sight under the Emperor's platform. Vader moves to find him.

FROHIKE

Why does he miss?

BYERS

Shut up, Frohike.

FROHIKE

No, I’m serious, why does he miss?

LANGLY

Shut up, Frohike.

FROHIKE

He’s a Jedi Master. He hits Luke with everything including the kitchen sink on Bespin. Why does he miss, now?

BYERS grows irritated.

Byers

He’s gotten stronger with the Force. Now shut up!

FROHIKE

So, if you get stronger with the Force, you can block other Jedi? Where does it say that in the Jedi Training Manual?

BYERS dumps the remaining popcorn on FROHIKE, who gets up and leaves, muttering loudly as he goes.

FROHIKE

I don’t understand what you see in this. – Everyone’s at Phantom anyway, what are we doing here?

FROHIKE brushes off the popcorn sticking to his clothes. He eats a couple kernels found in his hair and stomps off.

CUT TO: ON SCREEN The two armadas, like their sea-bound ancestors, blast away at each other in individual point-blank confrontations. A Star Destroyer explodes. The Rebel victor limps away, its back half alive with a series of minor explosions. The Rebel cruiser manages to move in next to a second Star Destroyer before it explodes completely, taking the Imperial Star Destroyer with it. The Falcon and several fighters attack one of the larger Imperial ships.

LANDO

Watch out. Squad at .06.

REBEL PILOT

I'm on it, Gold Leader.

WEDGE

Good shot, Red Two.

LANDO

Now...come on, Han, old buddy. Don't let me down.

12. THEATER LOBBY – EMPTY

FROHIKE enters the lobby from the darkened theater, still brushing off popcorn from his clothing and hair. He spends a few moments surveying the lobby. He notices that the theater crew is nowhere to be seen. The camera quickly passes by a digital clock on the wall, showing the time to be 1:11 am.

Still disappointed about having the popcorn overturned on his head, FROHIKE mutters as he ransacks the candy-counter.

FROHIKE

Don’t understand why we have to come see Fucking Jedi, when everyone is out there catching the premiere of Phantom. Langly’s a fucking idiot. – Oooh, Ju-ju bees!

FROHIKE steals a box of JU-JU BEES from the candy display case, and moves off to a corner to eat them. The TELEPHONE next to him begins to ring.

FROHIKE eyes the telephone. It continues ringing. After several rings, he picks up the reciever.

FROHIKE

Uh, hello?

VOICE ON TELEPHONE

If you wish to see the sequel, leave now. You have three minutes before your little theater blows sky-high.

The line goes dead. FROHIKE vainly tries to reestablish the connection by clicking the reciever.

frohike

Hello? – Hello! Hello? [A pause] Shit. Boring conversation, anyway.

FROHIKE hangs up the phone and dashes back into the darkened theater, leaving his candy to spill over the floor.

13. INTERIOR MOVIE THEATER – DARKENED

FROHIKE runs headlong into the darkness of the movie theater.

VADER [voiceover]

Give yourself to the dark side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for...

FROHIKE bangs into the backs of several chairs, before he manages to reach his friends. He is frantic.

FROHIKE

Byers!

BYERS and LANGLY turn away from the screen to look at FROHIKE crashing through the theater.

VADER [voiceover]

So...you have a twin sister.

BYERS turns to look at FROHIKE. FROHIKE drowns out VADER’s speech, rambling with frantic energy.

FROHIKE

We have to get out of here, right now! – Shut up. We have to go. This whole place is about to blow up!

LANGLY

Ah, don’t you mean the Death Star is going to blow up? – And shut up. You’re ruining it.

FROHIKE

No, you sotted geek. This place. This theater. Come on!

FROHIKE manages to pull BYERS out of his seat and get him moving. The rumbling begins as the death throes of the Death Star. The Lone Gunman race out of the theater just as the Falcon races out of the labyrinthine interior of that machine. The camera pulls back on a low-angle truck shot to capture their escape, curiously paralleled by the story they were watching. As the trio reach the safety of the outside street, the building explodes behind them.